in honesty, it's been awhile since we had reason left to smile

so a lot of thoughts.
ummmm i worry way too much about what other people think about me and the image i'm portraying. this is evidenced (i don't know if i am using that right but i am using it anyway.) by the ridiculous amount of money i have spent on clothes this summer. before this last.. oooh maybe a year i did not care about clothes. well i did to an extent, obviously, but not to this extreme. it's almost obsessive. not only is this making me extremely poor, but i think i am actually getting MORE self-conscious as the days go on. i am not sure who i am trying to impress or who i wish would accept me but it is kind of getting old. mmm the way i have always put it: i feel very out of myself.
or going against who i really (think) i am.

i think the most attractive people are the ones who are obviously comfortable with themselves. these kind of people are also a lot easier to be around. i am almost 20 years old, i think it's about time for me to be comfortable with myself.
this extends into so many different spheres of my life
such as dating
i think i have kind of a warped view of being connected with the people i date, and i try to make this happen too fast. i try to get to the emotional connections way too fast. which makes me sound like a creep. haha my brother in law was talking to me tonight asking where i keep picking up all these girly boys. i think i have learned certain... mmm i don't know... triggers? indicators? of people i should stay away from but that really fascinate me. the guys that really will delve in deep and analyze. i don't know. i think i do enough analyzing on my own i don't need somebody who over-analyzes just as much. we would drive eachother crazy.

for some reason though i think i've kind of told myself that that's the only kind of guy i can connect with. i enjoy talking about things that most people(stereotypical guys) don't want to talk about. this doesn't mean feelings. this just means life. and philosophies on life. and books. and content moments. maybe if i can meet a boy that is not overly emotional but still enjoys these things, then i'll be good.

my brotherinlaw said: "ask him what the worst thing that's ever happened to him was. if he says something physical, you're good. if he starts talking about something emotional, run."
haha.

or i guess for awhile i can just work on being comfortable with being alone with myself. instead of worrying so much about what other people think of me. which is funny in and of itself because people don't think about or judge me as much as i think they do. the people i love and care about are really the only ones that matter anyway, and they seem to think i am a pretty okay kid, so why worry, right?

image image image
i think that we are an image obsessed culture. facebook? myspace? nothing there is real. the things that we write on our profiles, the pictures we post, the comments we leave, we KNOW is viewable to however many thousands of people, so we always keep them in mind. we want to keep up our image of indiescenecore, tortured artist, jock, intellectual, girl with a lot of cleavage, etc. now obviously not all people are so insecure, and don't think about stuff like that they just are keeping in touch with friends. but personally, it just makes me more paranoid.

there are a few times when i feel completely real. and i guess those are the content moments. a really good show. listening to rain on your car in the parking lot. a book or movie that changes you. driving home alone at night. talking with a friend for hours. those are the times when you realize how absurd it all is, how obsessed we are with things of no consequence. what a royal waste of energy and time it is.

it just seems like such an easier way to live. just saying what you think without feeling like you have to cover all your bases.
just focus on the important things in life and the rest of it will be a lot less tiring.

personality types play a lot into this though. it's easier for some people to be that way then others.



just be nice to people.
make it easier on everyone.