there are some mornings when the sky looks like a road

i really want to keep this blog alive. i just read a bunch of my posts from 2010. i used to be an interesting person? i think? what happened?

maybe it's because i've already written about the majority of what i'm "going through" already. what do i want to do with my life blah blah blah. and don't suggest hobbies. the word "hobby" has become a swear to me. 

i was just reading a friend's blog who is getting her masters in creative writing. or something. i felt a definite tug and twinge of jealousy. not the jealousy i get when i read other blogs with women wearing perfect clothes dressing their babies perfectly and magically dropping all of their baby weight in 2 days. but a jealousy that runs deeper because i feel like i'm almost completely devoid of dreams, and being a writer is the last dream i can remember.

my writing ability is almost non-existant these days. this has  a lot to do with the fact that i'm a tv addict. there i said it. this summer i have watched more tv than i ever have in my life. while it passes the time i seriously feel like i'm becoming more and more boring everyday.

so i sit here on a thursday night all greasy because pinterest recently told me that coconut oil will solve all of my skin problems, once again trying to take a self inventory and ask myself "if i could do anything what would i do?" 

grad school feels out of the question right now. not just because i don't know if coconino community college page campus offers a reputable writing grad program but because i don't know that another degree would be a means to an end. it might just be a means. i have no idea what i want the end to be.

i'm married to a dreamer, which is something i am grateful for everyday. weston's favorite conversations are about the hypotheticals and possibilities ahead of us. conversely, i think about the good old times a lot. but for me, the future is a complete blank. i honestly can't see past next week. i can't see past the time when i polish off another tv series on netflix.

i don't t hink i'm looking for suggestions. wes and i talk about this every couple of weeks and he recently said something like "i'm not going to suggest anything because i don't think you want a suggestion. i think you want to come to it on your own." i'm sure someday when future alison has something figured out she'll remember what everyone suggested and say "hey they were totally right. why didn't i listen earlier?" but right now people suggesting hobbies or activities just doesn't hit home where it needs to. 

so why write about this and post it on the internet? donno. maybe so one day when i am in another inevitable weird funk in my life i can look back at this and remember the way i felt and remember that i got through it. 

what do i want for future alison? i want future alison to feel content. i want future alison to be able to enrich and bring something to her children's and husband's lives because she has goals and vision. i want her to follow the advice, "wherever you are, be all there."

so maybe i've been writing about the same thing since april 2010. i guess i'll keep writing until i figure it out.

i know this is pretty whiny and self-indulgent. i want to write an inspirational SO I'M GONNA GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT post, but i'm just not feeling it right now. so it would be false. i have faith that i'll feel that way soon. probably tomorrow. why not tomorrow?

(i also used to write about music a lot more. music doesn't play such a huge role in my life as it used to--mostly because i don't walk around with an ipod in my ears 24/7. however "commerce, tx" by ben kweller has been a game changer for me for the last ... oh i don't know, 7 months. maybe not deep and meaningful but awesome for steering wheel drumming.)