well i hesitate to post this because i usually avoid anything too personal or heavy on a blog. i think there are more appropriate venues for that. buuuuut i'm doing it anyway. because i think it might mean something to someone at least.

SO. as you all know i graduated last year. and as you all know i have struggled with the whole "who am i what am i going to do wahhhh" thing ever since. i think it all really started in my senior seminar course when we read the feminine mystique. mostly because it brings into question how women (or anyone really) define themselves, where they find their identity. it was proposed that many women relied only on their roles as wife and mother and the duties and obligations that came with that as their only source of identity and worth, leaving them feeling depressed/unfulfilled/etc. etc. anyway. i'm not going to summarize the book, and i do think a lot of sweeping generalizations are made in it. however, i also think it's something that a lot of people can relate to. i did. i could feel a little freakout forming in the back of my head saying, "yeah you are going to graduate, THEN WHAT??" i never really bothered to answer the question.

throughout the year, i feel like i've been on some kind of frantic search for myself. i need hobbies! i need a dream job! i need to be the healthiest person everrrrr! being the extremist and perfectionist that i sometimes tend to be, when i found out i couldn't be the best at any of these or that the things that interested others really did not strike a chord with me, i'd immediately give up. i would consider myself a failure and come to the end of another month with nothing to show for it but having watched six seasons of gilmore girls and the ability to eat pizza every other day.

i scour blogs. i obsess over blogs. i read blogs of shiny happy people making perfect crafts, finding perfect thrifted outfits, dressing perfectly, eating perfectly, doing perfect things with their husband, and taking perfect pictures. of course i spent most of my time criticizing and making fun of most of these blogs, but i think something about them really got under my skin. i had to be the girl making beautiful, organic meals. i had to decorate my house. i had to wear a new outfit everyday. whatever. these were the places i looked for a new identity. i compared myself not to actual people but to how people portrayed themselves on the internet. even though i was pretty aware of what i was doing i couldn't stop.

i've tried to identify myself for seriously a year by whether or not i'm a student, what i wear, what i eat, how 'artistic' i am, what songs i listen to, what job i have, what classes i should take, how much i exercise among other things. not surprisingly, i keep coming up short. i am consistently unhappy with myself and am convinced that my life needs some huge overhaul which i am too overwhelmed to ever undertake.

with the help of my husband, it is really only now that i'm realizing what the answer is. it's the answer i had when i first read the feminine mystique and had since forgotten in all the panic and confusion.

i am a daughter of God. i have worth i have so many talents and gifts that He has given me and that i have yet to find out about. the only overhaul my life needs is a spiritual one. i need to start reading my scriptures, having meaningful prayer, attending the temple, being grateful, and serving not because  i "have" to or because i will be a bad member of the Church if i don't, but because i can't afford not to. i can't afford to skip out on revelation. on acknowledging and being grateful for everything i've already been given. on feeling love from Heavenly Father and Christ. on using the Atonement to fill in the gaps where i fall short.

that is how i can be a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, and a good sister.


after that, i think everything falls into place. all of the hobbies, jobs, interests, whatever i'm supposed to do and whatever i do end up liking will take the place they are supposed to in how i view myself, in how i structure my identity. they are valuable and important, but they are secondary.

a lot of you are probably thinking "well duh alison" and i agree. but between all of the searching and wallowing in self-pity i honestly lost sight of what is real and important. we've all been there.

i don't know if that seems anti-climactic. like i was supposed to have some eat pray love moment or  something. but realizing this and making this my starting point has brought me the most peace i've felt in what feels like ages.

again, i share this embarrassing (blogs ruined my life? really?) only because i think someone can relate to it.  not necessarily blog obsession, but the feeling of looking in the wrong places for ultimate fulfillment and focusing too much on what we don't have rather than what we do. we always have that station in mind. when we get there THEN our life will be perfect. when we get married, when we get that degree, when we find the job, when we learn how to like vegetables, when we take that yoga class, when we have a baby, when we go to india and meditate for four hours everyday, that will be it. i think we've all experienced the panic of reaching that destination and still feeling like, "now what?" without Christ and the Gospel at the center of our lives, i think that feeling might be continual for some. having our priorities where they should be can help to ease the panic and worry of the journey of figuring out what we need to. it doesn't mean there won't be some uncertainty, and there won't be sad/bad/hard times.

i just think it makes it a lot more manageable.

and after this year i've learned it's a lot more than just a nice idea to live the Gospel. it's the only way.


i feel like this ending is kind of falling short of what i had in mind for this post, but i think the message is still there.

kiss kiss.